From the Desk of BTG,
Morning Folks, and welcome to our Saturday edition of the BTG Newsletter. Moving forward, the Saturday editions will be for subscribers who have successfully referred 5 readers to BTG.
The Saturday reads will be longer-form essays written by an acquaintance who is known to me only by the name Country Club Caddy. He’s a hilarious individual, and has worked as both a Caddy and Bartender at elite private clubs across the country. His insights and stories are worth a read, and his brand of writing is certainly unique. This isn’t your average op-ed piece.
Enjoy,
BTG
Dear LAB Golf Putters,
What’s your deal?
Sincerely,
Country Club Caddy
Okay, please allow me to give some context. I am a caddy at a wealthy, not particularly well-known, but respected country club. This golf season, I already have noticed a significant trend with the kind of flat stick that the members sport in their golf bags: the LAB Golf putter. For those who may not be familiar, this thing looks more like a medieval testicular torture device than anything you might want to use for a five-footer to save bogey.
I believe that the LAB Golf putter’s meteoric rise results from the modern times in which we live. It’s a time of extreme comfort and leisure, where you can have a croissant, a pizza, and a THC-infused soda that’ll put you on your ass for a week, all delivered in fifteen minutes to your apartment door. Not even the lobby. This phenomenon trickles into golf, with every club, ball, glove, bag, belt, ball marker, and sandwich needing to fit the player’s exact specifications. Shrink.
As a former college player, I employed only three putters in my entire playing career, one of which is a US Kids Golf putter. The second was a Ping Answer that I hit so many putts with, I caved the face in at the sweet spot and sadly had to shelve it. This is why I am so vehemently against everything that LAB Golf does to these poor hacks. They know that the last thing these people consider doing is actually practicing their putting, so they give them the Ozempic of golf, a magical putter with "Zero Torque" technology.
For example, a few weeks ago, I caddied for a man and his wife. Let’s call them Mr. and Mrs. Triple, because they sure make a lot of those. I stand at the first tee, cleaning Mr. Triple’s irons and wedges (like the elite caddy I am); he begins to hit one-handed putts with his LAB putter. (The other hand holds a transfusion, typical). We exchange pleasantries, I hoist their bags onto my shoulders, and we set off for eighteen holes.
By the fifteenth hole, after demonstrating my value as an excellent caddy, I try to turn up the charm to maybe get a little extra tip on top of my payment. (This works maybe once a year). I ask Mr. Triple how he likes his LAB putter. A mesmerized glaze begins to coat his eyes as he recites to me that it is the best thing to ever happen to his golf game. He tells me that it is impossible for him to start his putt off its intended line with his new LAB Golf putter. This makes perfect sense, considering he had yet to make a number lower than five on his scorecard and missed about eight four-foot putts so far.
In contrast, Mrs. Triple uses Mr.Triple’s old putter (not a LAB), and makes everything inside 8 feet with her pink Callaway ball. If she cuts out alcohol and hits her drive more than ninety yards, she honestly probably becomes a real player. It’s caddying for members like Mr. and Mrs. Triple that really allows me to understand why they have that chair that faces the bed in hotel rooms.
I am a true caddy through and through. I get an immense sense of joy when someone I caddy for plays a great round or ascends one of golf’s many stepping stones. I get very frustrated when golf club companies try to throw the members over a barrel. In all honesty, if these putters actually made putts go in the hole, I might be getting some more love (dollars) come payment time. These LAB Golf putters not only hurt the country club hacks who lap up all the "Zero Torque" propaganda thrown at them, but also hurt the lowly, hungover caddy.
An underrated problem with the putters is the fact that you can’t pull them out of the bag with one hand. The girthy grip takes up an obscene amount of space in the bottom of the bag, forcing me to essentially jerk off every club just to hand it to my member, making me look gay and also bad at my job.
Even worse, these LAB putter-wielding members spend 500 dollars on this miscarriage of golf science and still pay me the minimum amount you can give a caddy at my country club. Sir, respectfully, you could have just putted with your nine wood and gave me a little something on top so I could have gotten my mom something for Mother’s Day. Thanks a million, you cuck.
Thank you for reading. I aspire to someday perform this as a TED Talk.
Told you so. See you Monday.
-BTG